Does Your Relationship with Writing Sound Like This?
For the better part of my life I’ve been a self-proclaimed literary buff. Reading was my joie-de-vivre, my passion, my devotion and a bunch of other redundant words. In some instances, the prospect of finishing a particularly good book was the only thing that got me out of bed in the mornings. For a lot of other bibliophiles there are few things that conjure the same feelings as settling down with a novel, having no scheduled plans, and being free to read for hours upon hours.
Now that I’ve finished fangirling over books and reading, let’s dive into another aspect of the literary world; writing. I’m already sensing some of you shuddering at the sight of that word. Yes, writing PTSD does in fact exist and I’m here to bring awareness to it.
I liken this experience to trying to capture the crisp morning mist in a jar or remembering a dream just after waking up
The entire process of writing a piece can be extremely mentally and emotionally taxing. The constant back and forth, the second guessing, the triple guessing, hell, the quadruple guessing can have you spinning in circles and pacing across your room like a mad person or staring at blank pages willing words to appear. But when inspiration does finally strike, pray that you’re able to open your notes app on your phone quickly enough or at least grab an old receipt and a dying pen that you’ve been meaning to replace for weeks. The idea is there in full form for only a few seconds and then rapidly starts to dematerialize leaving you frantic and racing to capture every part. I liken this experience to trying to capture the crisp morning mist in a jar or remembering a dream just after waking up. When you do find your flow though, you do get a specific kind of satisfaction that you’d be hard-pressed to find anywhere else. Seeing words that had previously been kept in the labyrinth of your mind come together into a cohesive piece is extremely gratifying.
To say the least my relationship with writing has been a tumultuous one. Although, I’ve been complimented on my writing throughout my life with my high school biology teacher saying that reading my research papers was ‘like eating chocolate’ (thank you Mrs. P for stroking my ego on a regular basis) it hasn’t usually been something that I look forward to doing. Each assignment that required an essay, every creative writing task was met with a mental eye-roll and premonitions of long nights staying up trying to find another synonym for ‘although’. But, on the other hand I take great joy in writing; dabbling in poetry and short stories. And I’ve recently realized that writing is my outlet. It’s something that I can use to make sense of inner chaos and calm the beast, so to speak.
After some introspection, I think I can pinpoint the cause of my love/hate relationship with writing to a few things. For one, the majority of my life I've been forced to tap into my writing well via school. Being forced to do anything for an extended period of time is a sure fire way to suck the joy out of it. That coupled with the fact that I’m a recovering maladaptive perfectionist and … well.
I’m hoping that being a part of medium and its community will mend these fractures in my bond with writing. My goal is to take it a bit more seriously (i.e. writing on a regular basis) but at the same time start to use it as my outlet again because god knows I need one right now. I hope readers will forgive me if my punctuation isn’t perfect. I’m still not 100% sure how to use a semi-colon but I’m determined to keep using them. I ask for your patience if my ‘style’ is a bit chaotic or if my grammar isn’t perfect (grammar Nazis can stay on Youtube). I won’t label myself as a writer just yet, I’m only someone with an appreciation for the craft dipping a tentative toe back into the water after taking a sabbatical. Come along for the ride if you feel like it. I promise I’ll be good company.
Until next time,
Luna
